Do Not Try This At Home
by TheKatInTheShade
Summary: He stuck his thing up my... well, you get it. Ichigo. Grimmjow. Shower sex. Chaos.


We weren't virgins anymore.

We thought we were pretty cool.

But, as it turns out, losing your virginity means nothing when it comes to increasing your skills at sex. It's not just - **BAM** - now we've fucked, we're amazing at fucking (despite what the adolescent mind thinks).

Sex is a never ending learning curve.

Got that?

NEVER ENDING.

You can sleep with thousands of people and get a shitload of knowledge about giving head, licking a pussy, fucking, whatever. But it only takes one person to say that they don't like your technique or the way you were sickeningly gentle for you to look like a retard. Then you're back to square one – feeling like a shy virgin! Hoho!

So don't look down on me because of what I'm about to confess, ok?

You've probably had a slip up once or twice; don't lie (and if you say that it's been 100% perfect everytime you sleep with someone (new or old), I will personally come to your house and punch you in the vagina, because you are LYING!).

There are occasions, very vivid and mentally scarring occasions, where... things... can go _horribly wrong_.

Take myself and Grimmjow for example. As I said earlier, we weren't virgins anymore and we thought we were pretty fly.

We had been fucking about for ages but _intercourse_? If we has any idea what was about to happen I expect we'd have both run for the hills. But something came before we finally fucked. It was a silent killer and had us both in a headlock before you could say the words 'fuck-a-doodle-doo'.

That's right; before we knew it, we were in _love_ - of all things!

Love is not a good thing. It makes you jealous and act like a stalker and neither of us could see the light at the end of the long, dark tunnel. This was, of course, before we realised that we were in love with _each -bloody- other_.

Being madly in love became significantly easier after that.

Oddly enough (with us both being adolescent boys) sex took a back seat for a while. We just sort of enjoyed each other in different ways. Hanging out, watching Narnia; that sort of thing.

Then sex crept into our brains again. It was slightly different for us since we were guys, but the concept was similar. He stuck his thing up my... well, you get it.

Anyway bada-bing bada-boom, we were fucking and it was pretty great. Messy, unhygienic, extremely embarrassing, but pretty great as far as sex goes for a couple of gay teens.

So, as I've said twice now, we thought we were pretty cool.

We were... _so naieve._

"Can I fuck you in the shower?" Grimmjow asked one day. I wasn't insulted by his rudeness, it was just Grimmjow. I wouldn't want him any other way, really. A tender, thoughtful Grimmjow is like... well, quite frankly, its creepy and I'm sure it's one of the signs of the apocalypse.

"Whats wrong with the bed?" I frown as I wonder if Grimmjow is bored already.

"Nothing's wrong with the bed." Grimmjow scowls, but he ruffles my hair sloppily. He always does this when he's trying to cheer me up. "I just really want to fuck you in the shower."

I almost laugh at how straight forward and fucking cute Grimmjow is. He believes that if you don't ask then thou shall not receive.

"But nothing's wrong with doing it in the bed either." He adds as an afterthought, scratching his chin and looking at the bedding lying neglected on the floor with interest. "Or maybe we could get funky on the floor..."

I stand up and head to the bathroom. Grimmjow's muttering's fade into silence as I feel his eyes watch me walk away. I'm naked. I bite my lip to stop myself from grinning. Grimmjow is so _easy_ sometimes; I can read him like a picture book.

The bathroom in Grimmjow's flat is quite small. There's only a shower cubicle for us to frolock in but I run the water and step inside anyway. It isn't until I begin to close the clear-plastic door panel behind me that I realise we might have a problem; the shower isn't really build for two people.

I make to step outside of it again but Grimmjow is already in the door way and I try not to squirm when I see the hungry glare in his eyes and realise there is no going back now.

It was worse than I feared.

He trod on my foot more than once as we tried to squish together to make room. It would have been sort of erotic if the flow of water was a bit more substantial and didn't make me feel like I was being pissed on rather than romantically caressed by some rain.

But Grimmjow was determined.

We squeaked and squelched until we were sort of – actually, _no_, I wasn't remotely comfortable. I had my face pressed up against the cold hard tiles, I didn't have enough room to spread my legs so it was all unbearably tight and water, it turns out, is not a very good lubricant. Grimmjow suggested that we try some shampoo but I promised I would disembowel him if he put the lethal looking bottle of Herbal Essences anywhere near my bum hole.

We got about half way. Grimmjow accidentally head butted me and the force, in turn, made me head butt the tiled wall. There was cursing and shouting and I was about to punch Grimmjow at one stage. There was even a close encounter with Grimmjow's left knee and my bullocks but I came away with my genitals intact.

We decided to call it a day when Grimmjow, in an effort to make things a bit more comfortable on my part and make more room, put his foot through the cubicle door of the shower and started to bleed all over the place.

But the absolute _cherry on the fucking cake_ was when we were out of the shower; Grimmjow was sat on the toilet seat and I was knelt on the floor, still butt naked, mind you, and I was holding a towel against Grimmjow's leg to stop the bleeding when I suddenly felt something brush against my foot. I looked down to see a spider the size of my own fist scuttling around dementedly and I then ran from the room screaming. Grimmjow looked around in confusion and when he saw the spider he also gave a yell of terror and promptly ran into the door frame.

A few minutes later we were both sat on the bed again, feeling like little children who should have known better.

"I'm sorry bed." Grimmjow pats the mattress and I adjust the icepack over his eye also silently paying homage to the bed.

"No more shower sex." I say.

"No more shower sex." Grimmjow confirms, nodding.

"Hey," Grimmjow suddenly notices something on my face. "You have a bruise!"

"Probably from where you knocked my head into the wall." I reply soberly, reaching up to feel a small, sore bump above my eyebrow.

Grimmjow looks sort of embarrassed.

"Sorry." He mumbles sheepishly. "I just wanted a fuck in the shower." He lies down next to me and sort of glomps my thigh.

I snort and rest my chin in my hand, observing him with a small smile on my face. "Only you, Grimmjow. Only you."

"Only me what?" Grimmjow asks, kissing my leg, despite it being sprinkled with orange hair.

"Only you could make me head-butt a fucking wall and still be just as crazy about you afterwards." I rub my sore forehead. "Despite having a bruise the size of a melon."

Grimmjow bursts out laughing.

"C'mere then, melon-head."

I lean down and he kisses me, almost biting off my lips. Sometimes touching and kissing is so much more satisfying, so much more simple than sex.

We roll around in the blankets and Grimmjow bucks against me wildly. I grasp him tightly as we move together and his lips feel so good against my skin that after an embarrassingly short amount of time I am tumbling over the edge. Grimmjow's hot breath against my throat and his husky voice chanting my name tell me he is right here with me in all of my embarrassment and imperfection and I know I love him more than I ever thought I could love anyone.

"Ichigo... I feel sort of... dizzy..."

"Mmm, me too." I sigh and kiss his chest.

"No, I mean... I think I'm losing a lot of blood..."

I look down and sure enough the towel that I had flimsily tied to Grimmjow's bleeding ankle is soaked with crimson.

"Shit!"

When the paramedics arrived we made up some lie about a bi-polar racoon that apprehended us as we tried to uphold justice.

They wouldn't have believed us if we told them the truth anyway.

**Ok, so the end bit was slightly exaggerated but pretty much everything I write is from personal experience... Please don't think any less of me, hahah. **


End file.
